Top 10 Worst Attempts at a British Accent
by awindram
As there is a certain movie-related shin-dig happening over the weekend, I thought I’d put up a movie-related post. As the consensus seems to be the Streep’s Thatcher impression in The Iron Lady is a success and the betting odds on her picking up an Oscar tomorrow are a staggering 13/8, I thought it’d be a good time to look at those whose British accents were a little less successful:
10. Nicolas Cage in National Treasure: Book of Secrets (2007)
Almost certainly unfair to include as while it is hideously bad, I think it was intended to be hideously bad, and boy did Nicolas Cage succeed in that respect. Included, more than anything, because I think all top ten lists of this nature (which let’s face it are always something of a creatively bankrupt idea) could be improved with some Cage-branded craziness — he’s like a crack addict’s impersonation of Jimmy Stewart.
9. Josh Hartnett in Blow Dry (2001)
In the (rightly) forgotten hairdresser comedy Blow Dry, the (rightly) forgotten all-American heart throb Josh Hartnett struggles to convince with his Irish accent. Unfortunately, he’s meant to be doing a Yorkshire accent.
8. John Lithgow in Cliffhanger (1993)
John Lithgow is an actor who can effortlessly perform comedy or drama. Occassionally, however, he seems happy to serve up the audience a big slice of honey roast ham. Cliffhanger is definitely one of his more porcine performances. Warning: clip is not suitable for work — though arguably none of them are.
7. Bette Davis in Of Human Bondage (1934)
Some people would have you believe this is one of the great dramatic scenes of cinematic history showcasing the titantic talent of Bette Davis. Others counter that it’s am-dram caterwauling delivered in the world’s least convincing cockney accent. Both groups are right.
6. Don Cheadle in Ocean’s 11 (2001)
Actually, forget Bette, Hollywood’s worst cockney accent belongs to Don Cheadle. It’s so bad I’m only prepared to link to a clip of Don dubbed in German. Trust me, I’m just being humane here.
5. Harrison Ford in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)
Like the Nicolas Cage entry possibly an unfair inclusion as accuracy was hardly the point, but as Harrison Ford acted this within earshot of Sean Connery it seems Ford is deserving of either opprobrium or massive props.
4. Lindsay Lohan in The Parent Trap (1998)
That’s right, I’m dickish enough to include a child actor on this list. <Fill in your own Lindsay Lohan joke here>
3. Keanu Reeves in Dracula (1992)
Considering the difficulty Keanu Reeves often seems to have in portraying a functioning, coordinated human being, it was probably a bit too much of a stretch to ask him to do anything as nuanced as acting a different nationality.
2. Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins (1964)
As Mary Poppins is clearly a fantastical movie Dick Van Dyke really didn’t need to try an accent, and certainly when it was clear that he couldn’t for the life of him perform one, someone higher-up in the production should have taken him to one side and suggested he drop it. It has never struck me as odd that in the same movie Ed Wynn performs Uncle Albert in his normal American accent, and I don’t think anyone would have thought different had Van Dyke had just played it without the mangled cockney. If I’m going to accept a world where nannys float around on the jet stream, I think I can deal with a chimney sweep who sounds more California than Clapham. As it is, it’s voice acting as verfremdungseffekt. In fairness to Dick Van Dyke he learned his lesson and didn’t repeat the mistake in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, and despite the accent in Mary Poppins it is still an extremely charming performance.
1. Russell Crowe in Robin Hood (2010)
Unquestioningly, Russell Crowe‘s accent in Robin Hood was a triumph. What sort of dick would suggest otherwise?
An earlier version of this post appeared here
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Loved this. These are so enjoyably awful, Anthony! How about Elijah Wood in the LOTR trilogy?
You should do the reverse, too – some of the movies where a star’s real accent is in opposition to their character. Sean Connery as an Arab, John Wayne as Genghis Khan, stuff like that.
That’s a great idea.
For balance I was thinking I should do a top ten worst American accens performed by British actors, but i don’t have the ear for terrible American accents the way I do British ones.
I feel it’s less common somehow for Brits without a talent for accents to land roles as Americans in films, than it is for talentless Americans to land roles as Brits…I think unfortunately a lot of those Americans get roles for their Hollywood star appeal. Maybe for the bad American accents one would have to turn to British television?
And for worst Irish accents I nominate Julia Roberts in Michael Collins, Tom Cruise in Far and Away, and Richard Gere in the Jackal. So much pain…
Great list. Who would be in your best British accents by Americans list?
Good choices.
Sometimes the comedians seem to do better accents. The Spinal Tap accents are great. I think Bill Hader on Saturday Night Live is capable of decent British impressions.
A moment of pride here, but last week I attended a kid party here in Houston that had a medieval knight for an entertainer. Within 2 sentences this Texas gal could hear the fakery, which I am certain I would not have noticed only a few years ago. It’s like learning about diamonds or counterfeit money. You intensively study the real thing so that when a fake is placed before you, you just know. I now have the beginnings of a British ear for speech. Combined with my “actually” producing lawyer brain, I should be able to annoy large numbers of people at will. (She writes, trying her hand at British self deprecation and realizing that she’s not there yet.)
Went to a Renaissance Faire not so long ago (of which an extremely long series of posts may one day see the light) and was told that my accent wasn’t convincing by one of the players. Apparently, his was authentic Elizabethean though it sounded like a nerdy guy from California trying to do Monty Python to me.
Oh hilarious!!!! I went to a ren fest in Minnesota with my British family and although they had a great time we were laughing about the endless versions of Brit-Iri-Scot-Something-ish accents populated the place. No one told them their accent wasn;t convincing though. I will pass this story on to them, they’ll have a good chuckle.
Loved this post, was nodding and agreeing all throughout. I was also thinking of Kevin Costner saying ‘screw it’ in his version of Robin Hood and just going with his American accent. But regarding Dick Van Dyke and his unique version of cockey, it’s become so… iconic (?) that it’s difficult to imagine the movie with a normal cockey accent–as you say, it’s so fantastical it almost works.
Dick Van Dyke was on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson several years ago and told him that the man who taught him the Cockney accent was an Irishman named Pat O’Malley.
Thanks for commenting! Interesting about Pat O’Malley, I found an NPR transcript where Dick Van Dyke again tells that story. I wonder if he was referring to the English-born actor J. Pat O’Malley who did a number of voice-overs including Mary Poppins? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/J._Pat_O'Malley
Glad you liked it. The Costner example is an interesting one in comparison to Van Dyke as he did the same thing in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and I think his performance is the better for it.
Definitely agree with you on Keanu in Dracula – unforgiveably bad in it’s wooden, “painfully striving for it and failing miserably” delivery. But I’m with Michelle on Dick Van Dyke; you can’t touch him, from a child’s point of view his “different” accent just added to his quirky charm
Hi Expatlogue, I don’t think Van Dyke’s accent spoils the film either, but I do think he would have been better served not attempting the accent at all, a la Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.