Culturally Discombobulated

Pardon me

There is something grossly presumptuous and unjust in the Presidential pardon of a solitary turkey each Thanksgiving. What, for instance, is the henious crime that this turkey has committed that merits the President to pardon it? If it is the case that each year a true miscreant of a turkey is absolved of past sins, is it not shocking we forgive this poultry Barabas when so many law abiding turkeys are slaughtered for our table? And if it is merely for show, a sham display of Presidential munificence over a perfectly innocent bird, then would this turkey even want to live a moment longer when EVERYONE he holds dear or has ever loved has been chopped, trussed, and bagged? Like a metaphorical wattle, the knowledge that he is the sole survivor hangs heavy on him.



For hours I gave out candy and yet didn’t see one slutty Donald Trump or burlesque John Kasich.

American Notes: Grumpy Cat (candidate for office)

GRUMPY CAT: On numerous occasions, Obama has shown himself to be surprisingly savvy when it comes to memes and how to effectively deploy them. The latest example has been his comparison of the Republican Presidential candidates with the web’s most celebrated feline dwarf.

“They are gloomy. They are like Grumpy Cat,” the President said.

And yet here is where Obama is wrong, because the (bizarre) success of Grumpy Cat is not due to grumpiness or gloominess, but due to vulnerable adorableness – something, even the most partisan of supporter would admit, is hard to spot in a Jeb! Bush, Rand Paul or Marco Rubio. Watching the third debate it was quite clear none of the candidates would sell well in plush toy form.

Politics and baseball

My recommendation for TV executives concerned that tonight’s debate and the World Series would end up cannibalizing each other in the ratings was for the GOP candidates to face off against each other in game 2 of the World Series while the Mets and Royals debate in Colorado.

American Notes: Columbus Day

COLUMBUS DAY: Columbus Day – the drunk uncle of federal holidays, the public holiday you’re probably most likely to still have to go into work for. Now considered by many to be an unfortunate celebration of an extremely problematic historical figure. As such, the biggest advantage of renaming Columbus Day is that we’d never have to read an article about why we should rename Columbus Day ever again