A General Election drinking game
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On to important matters: what sort of drinking game have you got planned for election night?
I’m sure there must be a whole Wetherspoons-worth of drinking games out there to be found on the big wide drunken web, all with their own different permutations for getting sozzled with Dimbleby. Well, I’ll tell you what I’m planning on doing, but would also be interested in hearing what you’ve got planned.
Do bear in mind that to do this particular drinking game it really does help if your alcohol cabinet is well stocked.
Also, as a general rule it’s advisable to not just take a drink when every result comes in (you’d get alcohol poisoning very fast), but only for those places where the TV coverage shows the returning officer announcing the results. So when the TV cuts to that awful sports halls that every bloody election count in the country seems to take place in, that’s when you want to be getting your drinks lined up.
For every Conservative win: 2 fingers of champagne (the cheapest sparkling wine you can find will also more than suffice)
For every Labour win: 2 fingers of Brown ale, of course.
For every Liberal Democrat win: In honour of Miriam González Durántez, 2 fingers of Sangria.
For every SNP win:2 fingers of The Famous Grouse. (Buckfast is also acceptable)
For every Plaid Cymru win: 2 fingers of Brains beer.
For every DUP or UUP win: 2 fingers of Bushmills.
For every Sinn Fein or SDLP win: 2 fingers of Jameson.
Every interview with a member of UKIP: 2 fngers of French wine/German beer/Swedish vodka, etc – take your pick.
Every interview with a member of the BNP: feel free to hurl the nearest drink at the TV.
Every time Paxman sighs with incredulity at an interviewee: 1 finger of the tipple of your choice.
Every time one of the panelists says that the evening is “historic”: 1 finger of the tipple of your choice.
Every time Boris Johnson (and you know the Beeb will have him as a panelist at some point) loses his train of thought: 2 fingers of the tipple of your choice.
Every time you find yourself wishing Peter Snow hadn’t retired: 2 fingers of the tipple of your choice
Any appearances as a panelist by Anne Widdecombe: down half a pint of beer.
George Galloway failing to win in Poplar and Limehouse: down three-quarters of a pint of beer.
Ed Balls losing his seat: down a pint of beer.
Spotting any reference whatsoever to Mebyon Kernow: eat a Cornish pastie.
In playing this drinking game, it helps if you have a very understanding partner who will be sure to put you to bed in the recovery position.