Three courses of mildly diverting things a clueless immigrant learnt this week
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It’s a truth universally acknowledged by unimaginative cooks that to make a dish “Californian” all you need to do is slap an avocado in it. This nomenclature seems so prevalent – I’ve seen it used for sushi rolls, BLTs, burgers, Caesar salads – that on learning this week that there is a bed size called “California King”, deductive reasoning dictated that it must be a normal King-size bed with avocado smeared all over it. And you know what? I wouldn’t put that past these crazy Californians – they’re whores to the avocado.
There’s a lack of lamb here. Yes, you can find it if you snoop around, but it’s not as prevalent as in other countries, and is often limited in supermarkets to only consisting of shrink-wrapped packets in which lies some meagre-looking grey gristle and bone that they try and pass off as lamb chops. One consequence of this omission in the American diet is that a drive in the countryside is, for the most part, bereft of fields of gambolling sheep. Which is a shame, because no other animal can gambol quite like a sheep. Dogs can’t – though apparently they can gamble. Good for them, the little hustlers.
- Kraft’s Old English:
If, in American culinary terminology, California equates to avocados, then England seems to equate to jars-of-diarrhetic-baby-pooh-masquerading-as-cheese. How else to explain Kraft’s Old English? I know English cuisine is often the punch-line to many an unfunny joke, but I can assure American readers that these little jars of spreadable evil are not representative of English cheese. In fact, we have a fine cheese-making heritage and proper Cheddar cheese (i.e. cheese made in the village of Cheddar in Somerset) is far superior to the fake stuff you sell under that name. So quite why Kraft have decided to lay the blame for this awful splodge of a cheese at our feet when we don’t make it, don’t eat it, and have never even heard of it, is beyond me. And, it would seem, it’s beyond Kraft too. In the name of research, I emailed Kraft asking why the product is called Old English and they have no idea either:
I’m sorry as I’d like to assist you, the information you’re requesting isn’t currently available. I apologize for any disappointment this may cause you. If you haven’t done so already, please add our site to your favorites and visit us again soon!
Associate Director, Consumer Relations
Thanks, Kim. Very helpful.