Mildly diverting things a clueless immigrant learnt this week: “the one where Ross does something contrived with sporadically amusing consequences.”

by awindram

  1. [tweetmeme source=”awindram” only_single=false]Viewer discretion is advised:
    A phrase I keep hearing at the beginning of certain shows. Erm, okay then American network TV, I’ll try and be discreet about it, though I do think it is a little presumptuous of you, and it’s not like other people aren’t watching the show too.
    Not Me: “Hey did you see Breaking Bad last night?”
    Me: “I’m afraid, I can neither confirm nor deny that.”
    Not Me: “Well, it was good.”
    Me: “You might say so, but I couldn’t possibly comment.”
    Not Me: “Have you ever watched the show?”
    Me: “Look, just leave it, okay?! Don’t push me on this! Whether I’ve seen Breaking Bad or not is between me and the network and nobody else.”
    C’mon American networks, you can just be honest and upfront with me about a show’s adult content. None of this pussyfooting “viewer discretion is advised” – it makes you sound like someone’s maiden aunt. Heck, why not be specific about what I’m going to see – it might just save me from something horrible:
    “The following program will contain scenes of a violent and sexual nature…actually, I’ll square with you, all it is, is that the guy playing the District Attortney says “fuck” twice at around the ten minute mark and later on there’s this shower scene and you can totally see a nipple – though, just to warn you now, the nipple does belong to Jon Lovtiz. Viewer changing the channel is advised.”
  2. Girl scout cookies:
    Unlike girl scouts in the UK, American film and TV have taught me that US girl scouts are pushers for the world’s most addictive cookies. Having my first girl scout cookies I was expecting something delicious and home-made, something crafted with love for whatever dumb fundraising event they have. But no, not so. What you, in fact, get after being emotionally blackmailed into buying them is some crappy box (clearly designed by someone who had 45 minutes till deadline, Photoshop and half-a-dozen stock images) filled with the sort of cheap tasting cookies you might find in Aldi.
    Girl Scout: “Would you like to buy some cookies?”
    Me: “Did you make them yourself or have they been shipped to you from a warehouse in Trenton, New Jersey?”
    Girl Scout: “Trenton, dumbass. We can’t make them ourselves, think of the liability coverage. What if you got e-coli from a cookie I made?”
    Me: “Tsch, it’s a cynical world.”
    Girl Scout: “You’ve got it ass-backward, limey. This aint the 50s, this is about sales-technique, not baking. I’m putting you down for three boxes of the thin mints and two boxes of the shortbread. Capish?”
  3. Almond Joy:
    An Almond Joy bar is far more coconut-y than almond-y. In fact, an Almond Joy bar is far more coconut-y than anything else – it’s almost entirely coconut. The almond and the coconut aren’t even joint partners in this venture; they’re more Magnum and Calvin than Cagney and Lacey.  C’mon Hershey’s, what do you say you give the coconut the recognition it deserves here? How about you call it something like Nut Joy? Yep, can’t see any problem with that name…oh wait…

[Image via Wikipedia]

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