Mildly diverting things a clueless immigrant learnt this week that’ll be forgotten in the morning

by awindram

Glowing gumdrops.

Image via Wikipedia

Clueless Immigrant

  1. [tweetmeme source=”awindram” only_single=false]Spice Gumdrops are actually spicy:
    Clueless immigrant was in his local supermarket’s confectionary aisle in need of a sugar fix. While browsing the options, he pondered if a key difference between Americans and Britons is exemplified by the tendency of American children to eat gummi bears while their British peers eat jelly babies. Could it be that the British tendency for the maudlin and the dark as a source of humour is borne of childhoods spent biting off gelatin baby heads with psychopathic relish? Having now grossly overthought his candy purchase, clueless immigrant had decided that he couldn’t quite stomach anything gummy that came in a physiological form so ended up instead purchasing a bag of spice gumdrops. Though he didn’t at that point realise it was spice gumdrops. Yes, I know, he didn’t do a good job of reading the label. In his defence, it was one of those clear packets were you can see all the candy inside so he just assumed it was a normal packet of gumdrops, but as clueless immigrant soon discovered, these little drops are spicy rather than fruity. The actual flavours as far as clueless immigrant could make out were cloves, cardamom, cinnamon, anise and spearmint. It was, he thought, almost as bad as eating a packet of parma violets (yes, we can still outweird the US when it comes to bizarre candy flavours. What do parma violets taste like: imagine US smarties but with an overpowering taste of potpourri and your grandmother’s perfume). Clueless wondered how many American children actually want these flavours in their candy or whether this is manufactured solely for old folks who claim they like it but really just like the look of disappointment on their grandchildren’s faces when they chew on it and realise it’s not strawberry-flavoured but clove?    
  2. Fight Songs:
    Clueless immigrant knew about “fight songs”. He knew that lots of American sports teams had one and that their fans liked to sing them. Clueless immigrant had thought that as they were called “fight” songs they would, at the very least, posture on being tough, that they would be anthemic and would rile up home support into a frenzy and intimidate the opposition. Then he heard a fight song…and another…and another. He was confused as to why they sounded more like the-circus-has-just-come-into-town songs.
    To clueless immigrant, fight songs in a sporting context shouldn’t sound like that they belong on the Dumbo soundtrack, but should involve a few thousand supporters chanting “you’re going home in a fucking ambulance,” with intimidating monotony.
  3. Fancy dress party versus Costume party: 
    Note to other poor clueless immigrants who have the misfortune to attend costume parties this Halloween: it’s probably best not to use the term “fancy dress” around the natives. Clueless immigrant did last year. If it wasn’t bad enough that he suffered the indignity of having to go as Xena Warrior Princess, saying “fancy dress” also got clueless immigrant  laughed at. The more usual term in the US is costume party. 
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