A right royal affair with Clueless Immigrant and some mildly diverting things he learnt this week

by awindram

Clueless Immigrant

  1. [tweetmeme source=”awindram” only_single=false] Not engaging with the engagement:
    On Tuesday morning, Clueless Immigrant was to be found chomping down on a Queen Anne cordial cherry, but his own mood was not in the least bit cordial. The root of Clueless’s snippiness could be found on the BBC webpage that Clueless had just clicked on: “Royal wedding: Prince William to marry Kate Middleton.” 
    Oh, bugger, thought Clueless, for he knew that this news could only end badly for him. Clueless envisaged that the next nine months, or however long it was until this wedding, would be slow slog of tedious small talk with people constantly bringing up this very topic in the mistaken assumption that Clueless gives a flying damn. He doesn’t. He really, really doesn’t. 
    Barely three days later and Clueless’s polite facade is already beginning to crack. His prophecy has come true and he has to endure countless, tedious conversations on this matter. Clueless fears if things continue like this he might end up going all Michael Douglas in Falling Down on people. Clueless pleads that if anyone out there really does wish to engage with him on a topic concerning his nationality then they should go and bone up on cricket as he would be more than happy to talk with anyone about the upcoming Ashes series – just don’t mention the wedding.
  2. I didn’t say what you thought I just said.” : 
    Clueless Immigrant has an appetite; to feel life like Clueless Immigrant feels it, one should imagine what it is like to live in a constant state of peckishness, to have a neverending need to nibble. And so in many respects the hearty (or should that be heart-attacky?) servings and array of food available in the USA leave Clueless sated and content, but sometimes Clueless ends up with a comfort food craving that his adopted homeland just can’t fill. Clueless was having one of these cravings this week as he found himself wanting a Cornish pasty, and unless he happened to be in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan (where pasties are popular) he was unlikely to find one this side of the Atlantic.  Oh, the thought of biting into all of that baked, flaky pastry shells and that first bite of beef and vegetables. It was enough to make Clueless’s mouth water; in fact, his mouth did begin to water. A young woman who happened to be near to Clueless turned and asked if he okay.
    “I’m fine,” said Clueless, his mouth drooling, “I was just thinking about a pasty” 
    The woman looked disgusted with Clueless. “Pervert,” she said.
    “No, I didn’t mean that type of pasty,” shouted Clueless as the young woman hurried away from him in a panic.
  3. We learn that heaven is real:

    Usually Clueless Immigrant only learns silly, useless shit each week like courgettes are called zucchinis in the US, but this week he learned a biggie – heaven is real. Yes, you read that right. Heaven is real – it was on Fox and Friends and everything so it has to be true. Clueless really doesn’t understand why the New York Times isn’t running with this story. I mean, really, how can the main-stream media miss a story as big as this? You really dropped the ball on this one, fellahs! 
    Clueless really doesn’t understand people wanting to talk to him about some royal rugger bugger’s wedding when the greatest news story of all time has just broken. Clueless wants to send his congratulations to Gretchen Carlson for this wonderful, history-changing scoop – the Pulitzer surely awaits, Gretchen!


[Heaven is Real via Videogum