Mildly (possibly) diverting (possibly not) things Clueless Immigrant (most definitely) learnt (or learned) this week (or fairly recently anyway)

by awindram

  1. Clueless Immigrant

    [tweetmeme source=”awindram” only_single=false]Living la vida four loko:
    At some peculiar hour Clueless Immigrant peered out from under his duvet. He was still alive, that at least was something, he supposed. Clueless was in pain from the neck up, and numb from the neck down. He thought about leaving the bed…and he thought some more about it…and he gave some grave consideration to the matter…and then he snoozed. Two hours later, in a heroic show of fortitude worthy of Ernest Shackleton, Clueless had finally summoned the necessary strength of mind and body needed and he hauled himself out of his bed and navigated into the bathroom where he would pass another two hours in a confused stupor.
                 Looking at himself in the bathroom mirror, Clueless took stock of his current state. He noted that his head felt like it had been poleaxed, that the remnants of something that he presumed had once been liquid was encrusted on his chin, that his breath smelt like West Virginian roadkill, and, most odd and alarming of all, his ears seemed awash with loose, watery earwax.
              Clueless, you may not be surprised to discover, was struggling to recall the events that had led to him waking such a wreck. Being a born hypochondriac he worried that this was the terrifying beginning of some painful, debilitating disease. Clueless began trying to list all the symptoms he believed he had so he could enter them into easydiagnosis.com. 
              However, the true cause of Clueless’s condition was twofold: 1)  like many Europeans he had an innate and unjustifiable sense of superiority over Americans, particularly when it came to matters of alcohol; 2) the previous night he had been introduced to four loko, a fruit flavoured malt liquor energy drink.
             Not quite as taste bud offendingly egregious as bud light, clamato juice and lime , four loko is still pretty awful stuff, and with a show of stupidity bordering on the brash Clueless had soon sampled its grape, blue raspberry, watermelon, and fruit punch flavours. What had he been thinking, the fool? A can cost of four loko retails at around $2.50 and is said to be the equivalent of six cans of lager and five cups of coffee – perfect for your price conscious hobo, not so good for poor Clueless Immigrant. Clueless Immigrant, like the smug Briton he is, assumed that all the hype around this drink was wrong, that this was just a mere alcopop and, once again, the US was late to the party adopting a fad that the rest of us endured 15 years ago. Clueless knew that some States wanted to ban this particular drink, but he put that down (possibly rightly) to that odd strain of puritanism that effects many Americans when it comes to drink. “Here,” said Clueless, “pass me a can,” confident that this devil brew was in no way as bad as it had been made out to be…Clueless was proven wrong. Very, very wrong as it turned out.
             Once Clueless had recovered (well, somewhat recovered) he recalled that four loko had given him a mild sense of delirium, an increased confidence, and then a worrying numbness in his left arm. Heck, in his altered four loko state, he had even at one point found himself watching Saturday Night Live and had actually laughed out loud – admittedly it was when Florence and the Machine were playing. Following this chastising experience Clueless has learnt  to treat Americans with a little more respect when it comes to ridiculous alcohol drinks and to never have four loko again in his life.

  2. Just not Oprah-priate:
    Some of the diplomatic cables released by WikiLeaks this week have shed light on the Special Relationship between the US and the UK. Indeed, Clueless Immigrant was interested to read how some in Grosvenor Square  mocked Britain’s paranoia on this issue. However, Clueless has noticed something far more worrying that he fears could effect diplomatic relations between the two nations and that is the Americans’s disgraceful treatment of the nation’s favourite broadcaster, Sir David Attenborough. Clueless was shocked to discover that the open fire-crackling warmth of SDA’s dulcet tones have been replaced on American TV in favour of renowned naturalists and polymaths, Signourney Weaver (Planet Earth) and Oprah Winfrey (Life).
             Clueless had to put up with this…  
             …rather than this.
             Clueless intends to figure out how to table a motion at the UN and will report back. Didn’t we burn down D.C. for a lesser slight than this back in 1814?
  3. Peculiar cravings of a taste of home:
    With a stunning lack of originality all too typical of the man, Clueless Immigrant decided to return to the topic of food and the strange effect being in another country can work upon an appetite. This time, however, Clueless was not concerned with food from the Mother Country that he can’t afford unless he pays World Market a small ransom. No, this week Clueless has found himself craving food items he never used to eat when he was living in the UK. Oddly enough, Clueless has spent all week wanting a bottle of Tizer and some Kendal mint cake.  Clueless is worried that it may be an after effect of the four loko or…it couldn’t be a pregnancy craving, could it? That four loko was odd stuff, anything seems possible.  
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