Continuations, Corrections, Clarifications, and a Clueless Immigrant

by awindram

Shirley temple from the Public Domain movie &q...

Image via Wikipedia

[tweetmeme source=”awindram” only_single=false] Clueless Immigrant was in a bar; a badly-lit, unatmospheric, and frankly unlovable bar, but still Clueless sat there drinking bad pints of Boddingtons while arguing with the barmaid that Boddingtons was not, no matter how much she claimed to the contrary, an Irish beer. Clueless was, as usual, thinking his morose thoughts when from across the bar the barmaid flung a menu his way.
“That lists our beers. It’ll tell you whether it’s Irish or not.”
Clueless decided against telling her that he had absolutely no need to check their menu in order to know Boddingtons’s provenance. Clueless, one of nature’s cowards, had long since decided it wasn’t worth arguing your point with anyone in this town. Even the most petite inhabitants seemed to have a vicious glint in their eye that to Clueless suggested they would gladly break your back in two if you gave them what they considered “due cause”. To be blunt, Clueless didn’t fancy his chances in a bar brawl with any of the inhabitants, so thought it might be prudent to keep quiet and browse through the contents of the menu. While looking through all the available beers and cocktails, Clueless noticed that for $2.50. he could have a Shirley Temple. Somewhat unfortunately, the thought of asking for a Shirley Temple set off Clueless into a fit of giggles he valiantly tried to suppress. It wasn’t that Clueless thought naming a cocktail after a former child star / US diplomat, it was more that it conjured up images of gritty 90s British police shows where some seedy curb-crawler is busted as part of an undercover police sting.
“We’ve got it all on tape, Sunshine. Said you wanted a Shirley Temple. A Shirley Temple? You sick bastard! Get ‘im out of my sight, Officer.”  
Cracker, in particular, Clueless recalled as being very fond of Shirley Temples.
“What are you laughing at?” asked the barmaid.
“Nothing,” said Clueless, figuring it might be more complicated and a little awkward that he was giggling because they were selling Shirley Temples which was conjuring up a very different image in his head. She’d almost certainly break his back in two. So Clueless stopped his giggling, and decided to try and be a little more inconspicuous and started trying to draft his next post for this blog:

  1. Excessive Celebrations:
    Clueless’s last post had been concerned with the Super Bowl. Having sat through three hours of men in yellow leggings pummel each other, he’d like to add some further points. Firstly, excessive celebrations.
    Being a follower of soccer, Clueless Immigrant is not entirely ignorant to the idea of players being punished for celebrating “excessively”. And sometimes, Clueless can understand the rationale. Emanuel Adebayor running the length of the pitch so he can celebrate in front of Arsenal supporters was clearly moronic in the circumstances having just acrimoniously moved from Arsenal. However, beyond an action that is likely to incite a riot, what’s the problem. Clueless was disappointed to discover that the NFL are just as joyless as soccer’s officialdom. Nick Collins scored the opening touchdown of the game and was flagged for excessively celebrating. You’ve just scored in the biggest game you could ever hope to play, you want an emotional reaction from the players, surely?
  2. Puppy Bowl (please insert your own Michael Vick joke here):
    Really, America? Really? Clueless Immigrant is of the frankly insane view that the UN needs to pass sanctions against you on the grounds of crimes for inflicting gross tedium. Though if he’s not careful, Clueless could find himself up on a similar charge.  
    Maybe as a two minute You Tube video the Puppy Bowl is just about bearable, (erm, then again, probably not, but at least it’d be short) but this goes on for hours. And hours! This really is programming for little old women that collect garden gnomes, isn’t it?
    I mean if you are going to force this sort of stuff on people, at least have the decency to have Fred Willard commentating on it.
    Though Clueless is probably just angry at the Animal Channel for rejecting his “crickets play Test Match cricket” pitch.Though Clueless is just angry at the Animal Channel for rejecting his “crickets play Test Match cricket” pitch.
  3. Parma Violets and Crunchy Nut Cornflakes:
    Clueless has two corrections on previous rants that he has made. Clueless had earlier suggested that as an Englishman he couldn’t criticise the weirdness of spice gumdrops too much as the English have one of the world’s oddest sweeties (or candy) in the form of a parma violet. Imagine licking a granny, cos that’s what a parma violet tastes like. Not that Clueless has licked a granny, you understand, but imagines if he did, she’d taste like a parma violet.  Well, Clueless takes back his previous apology for parma violets because in Strands bookstore he came across this – Chowards Violets. You’re just as bad as us, America. Actually, you’re worse, you’ve also got spice gumdrops and the Puppy Bowl.
    Also, Clueless’s earlier plea to Kellogg’s to bring Crunchy Nut Cornflakes to the US seems to have been heeded according to this post from the Resident Ailen. America, you don’t know what’s about to hit you. And you thought crack was addictive? Your cities and towns are about to come to a standstill. It’s going to be this year’s Meth.