Pop-Tarts and Hurricanes

by awindram

I hope those of you on the East Coast are staying safe. I’m watching CNN as I type. They seem to be hoping for disaster. With all the mocking that is correctly directed towards Fox News, it is often forgotten how lowest common denominator the other news networks are. CNN are insisting that every video link be made by a red-anoraked CNN reporters* who are either wading in crashing waves or are almost being blown away by the winds.
“What can you feel Chris?” says Wolf Blitzer, who disappointingly is more ursine than lupine. 
“I’m wet and I can feel the wind,” says Chris, the red-anoraked CNN stooge and future Emmy winner who is, at present, knee-high in the Atlantic ocean in the middle of a category 1 storm.
CNN won’t mention it, but they’re to blame for all this. This is the wrath of the gods, they’re irate at Piers Morgan moving to New York to take up Larry King’s old gig, this week’s earthquake was the first sign of their anger. New York, sacrifice Piers to the gods and the storm will abate.

Remember to make sure you have everything you might need: torchlight, batteries, bottled water, canned goods, strawberry pop-tarts…wait, strawberry pop-tarts? According to data from Wal-Mart, sales in strawberry pop-tarts are seven times higher than normal in the lead-up to a hurricane. So beer and strawberry pop-tarts it is. A pretty disgusting sounding combo. Unfortunately, New York’s pop-tart cafe closed its doors in December as otherwise it would have been the perfect spot for an evacuation center with pop-tarts aplenty in there. Stay safe, stay stocked up with strawberry pop-tarts (I can’t emphasize strongly that they have to be strawberry – a chocolate pop-tart is not hurricane appropriate) and remember to sacrifically throw Piers Morgan into the storm.

*Seriously, they all have to wear CNN branded red anoraks. As the poor dears – reporters you’ve never heard of before, Wolf and Anderson are safe and dry in the studio – are buffeted around by the wind they start to remind me of the poor redshirted sods in Star Trek.

The CNN redshirts. Guess that make Wolf Blitzer, Captain Kirk if I'm insisting on this analogy.


If you want to stay discombobulated, don’t forget you can subscribe to Culturally Discombobulated using the email subscription button on the right hand side of the screen. Or, if you are a real masochist, you can follow me on twitter at @C_Immigrant or at @awindram.