Hostess no longer with the mostess
Possibly how E. J. Thribb (17 1/2) might pen the news that Hostess Brands, maker of the Twinkie, a cream-filled American icon, is to go into liquidation. It simply couldn’t compete with the rise of Jamie Oliver, and the decline of the stoner.
There are other, less august, Hostess-owned snack cakes too. Each in their own way an indelible – and always edible – part of the American psyche: Ho Hos and Ding Dongs, Chull Chums and Morsel Schlongs, Fat Franks and Jammy Jacks, Nubbin Chews and Custard Chuckers, Wingdoodles and Batter Suckers. All now consigned to the big cake tin in the sky.
On a personal level, I ate a Twinkie once – it was no Spotted Dick. Yet, it is still hard not to feel personally affected by the death of the Twinkie. After all, surviving the End Times without a life-time supply of Twinkies is going to be so much more difficult now.
Morsel Schlongs? Are you serious?! Like Custard Chuckers, Wingdoodles and Batter Suckers are normal names…
I’ve never had a Twinkie, though I feel I should’ve done, as I’ve heard it mentioned often enough on many American TV shows I watched when I was a young ‘un. Surely, someone can grab the baton and take it into the future? Anybody?
Oh, I’m sure someone like Kraft will purchase the Twinkie brand.
Whether they’ll also buy Morsel Schlongs and Batter Suckers is another thing altogether.
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