Advice for some American friends and acquaintances

by awindram

I am really not interested that Kate Middleton is pregnant so please don’t initiate a conversation where you drone on about the subject. It just ends up so awkward as I have to smile and nod politely while you get all dewy-eyed and nonsensical about “Princess Kate”. My sole opinion, for what it’s worth, is that it must suck having to make the news public so early into a pregnancy.

And while we are at it, let’s stop this pretense that you only mentioned it to me to try to bridge the cultural divide – we know full well you brought it up because you get all giddy and giggly at the thought of royalty.

If you do want to discuss royalty with me, let’s be a bit more inventive in our conversation. Perhaps you could explain quite why you, and numerous of your fellow Americans, are so fascinated by the subject, from this we could then develop how best we could exploit this interest. Thoughts at present are:

  • Sperm Bank. Fortunes can be made in the studding fees of thoroughbreds, and similar fortunes could be had by marketing royal sperm (pure liquid gold) to housewives. All it requires to be a success is one shameless minor royal down on his luck and we could sell this royal jelly at a premium.
  • Royal freak show. If we collect enough minor European royals we can add additional revenue with a show that could travel the dusty hinterlands of the continental USA. Prince Alfonso the blind mentalist, Maximilian the bearded autocrat, Crown Prince Eric “the lobster boy” Gustaf, and Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie.