America Comprehended: Kentucky Derby
KENTUCKY DERBY: Horse race in Louisville, Kentucky that receives extensive TV coverage in the US. Described by some as “the most exciting two minutes in sports”, you can instead consider it the most depressing two minutes in sports as you spend the duration of the race pondering how your own net worth will never be equal in value to a single vial of these thoroughbreds’s sperm. To numb the pain of this thought, as well as the gambling losses you’re about to incur, it is customary to consume mint juleps with abandon.
MINT JULEP: Bourbon-based cocktail. It takes eight years to make a good bourbon, but only eight seconds to ruin one. In order to do so, throw mint, sugar, and a splash of water into some poor unsuspecting bourbon.