Make America Heave Again: The 2016 Presidential Election Drinking Game

by awindram

Why watch the world burn sober? At the very least, watch it with a little bit of a buzz going on. With that in mind, here’s my election night drinking game to be attempted as the results come rushing in. It should work with whatever bad cable news network you chose to view the coming apocalypse; I’ll be going with CNN.

Step One: Choosing Your Poison:

Instead of going with an array of drinks throughout the evening, a move that will definitely get confusing as the night progresses, stick to one choice of drink for the evening. I’d suggest the following:

If you’re Team Trump, why not go with some bottles of Trump rosé made more potent with a very generous splash of Trump vodka?

If you’re Team Clinton, why not go with some vintage cans of Billy Beer laced with one of Hillary’s own favorite campaign tipples, Canadian Crown Royal Whisky? Note: The 35 year-old taste of Billy Beer can be reproduced by letting some rusted nails sit in some Bud Light for an hour or two.

If you’re Team Johnson, why not go ahead and try doing this game with some cannabis-infused craft beer depending on availability and legality in your home state?

If you’re Team McMullin, your choices are probably limited to apple beer. Sorry.

If you’re Team Stein, why not go ahead and try this with your favorite kombucha, or, in honor of Jill, maybe a homeopathic cocktail would be more appropriate? Sure, it may just be water now, but it still has the residual memory of alcohol – and that’s just as good.

Step Two: When To Drink

Take a generous gulp of your beverage when you hear or see any of the following:

“Did ________ cost them this election.”

“Remember, 270 is the magic number.”

“Jeffrey Lord, what are your thoughts?” [If not watching CNN feel free to replace with the worst pundit on your chosen network]

“We have a big projection coming right up.”


“Will he build a wall?”






“Today is democracy in action”

Shot of the Empire State Building

Shot of a crowd chanting “U-S-A”

“This result changes everything”

“This result is what we expected”

“It’s too close to call”



“I have just called [Opponent] to congratulate them”


Step Three: When To Stop Drinking?

When the balloons are released on the new President-elect is the moment to down all remaining alcohol you have left. This can either be a gesture of celebration or of solace – the important thing is that you’re drinking. Indeed, if the results are going really badly for you and your candidate then it’s probably okay if you want to add a Clorox chaser to your chosen drink.

Remember, drink responsibly