Culturally Discombobulated

Tag: Hillary Clinton

Make America Heave Again: The 2016 Presidential Election Drinking Game

Why watch the world burn sober? At the very least, watch it with a little bit of a buzz going on. With that in mind, here’s my election night drinking game to be attempted as the results come rushing in. It should work with whatever bad cable news network you chose to view the coming apocalypse; I’ll be going with CNN.

Step One: Choosing Your Poison:

Instead of going with an array of drinks throughout the evening, a move that will definitely get confusing as the night progresses, stick to one choice of drink for the evening. I’d suggest the following:

If you’re Team Trump, why not go with some bottles of Trump rosé made more potent with a very generous splash of Trump vodka?

If you’re Team Clinton, why not go with some vintage cans of Billy Beer laced with one of Hillary’s own favorite campaign tipples, Canadian Crown Royal Whisky? Note: The 35 year-old taste of Billy Beer can be reproduced by letting some rusted nails sit in some Bud Light for an hour or two.

If you’re Team Johnson, why not go ahead and try doing this game with some cannabis-infused craft beer depending on availability and legality in your home state?

If you’re Team McMullin, your choices are probably limited to apple beer. Sorry.

If you’re Team Stein, why not go ahead and try this with your favorite kombucha, or, in honor of Jill, maybe a homeopathic cocktail would be more appropriate? Sure, it may just be water now, but it still has the residual memory of alcohol – and that’s just as good.

Step Two: When To Drink

Take a generous gulp of your beverage when you hear or see any of the following:

“Did ________ cost them this election.”

“Remember, 270 is the magic number.”

“Jeffrey Lord, what are your thoughts?” [If not watching CNN feel free to replace with the worst pundit on your chosen network]

“We have a big projection coming right up.”

“Racist”

“Will he build a wall?”

“Comey”

“Divisive”

“Loudmouth”

“Screechy”

“Likeability”

“Today is democracy in action”

Shot of the Empire State Building

Shot of a crowd chanting “U-S-A”

“This result changes everything”

“This result is what we expected”

“It’s too close to call”

“Landslide”

“Brexit”

“I have just called [Opponent] to congratulate them”

“Rigged”

Step Three: When To Stop Drinking?

When the balloons are released on the new President-elect is the moment to down all remaining alcohol you have left. This can either be a gesture of celebration or of solace – the important thing is that you’re drinking. Indeed, if the results are going really badly for you and your candidate then it’s probably okay if you want to add a Clorox chaser to your chosen drink.

Remember, drink responsibly

8 long, dark nights for America: Presidential Mask Index

Eight long, dark nights to go. 

Trump’s Daily Twitter Highlight: “Legendary basketball coach Bobby Knight who has 900+ wins, many championships and a gold medal will be introducing me in Michigan shortly”

Clinton’s Daily Twitter Highlight: “Dozens of former nuclear launch officers agree: Donald Trump should never be in charge of America’s nuclear weapons.

Daily election article of interest: Donald Trump’s Huge, Horrible Halloween Nightmare

Someone was telling me today in slightly panicked tones that Donald Trump Halloween masks were outselling Hillary Clinton Halloween masks three to one. Hardly surprising, I thought to myself, after all, Trump is obviously the better Halloween outfit. He is a remarkable looking individual, probably the most remarkable looking Presidential candidate since politics entered the age of television. Hillary, by contrast, is a harder Halloween outfit to pull off, you can have some fun with the pant suit aesthetic, but overall, provided she’s not doing that wide-eyed stares of hers, she’s uninteresting to look at. So why the panic in the other person’s voice as they mentioned Trump outselling Clinton? Well, apparently, according to the free publicity that retailer Spirit Halloween has managed to wrangle out of this, the candidate with the best-selling Halloween mask in an election year is an accurate predictor of who will go on to win the election. Spirit Halloween’s press release even has an entirely made up term for this – the Presidential Mask Index, and it has been correct for every election since ’96 which was the first election they used it for. So if Trump does manage to win we can now not only blame James Comey, but all the little bastards who decided they would go out trick or treating in a Trump mask and a Make America Great Again baseball cat. The only successful political costume I came across this evening was a Brexit. 20161031_183109-01-01-1

9 long, dark nights for America: 2016: The Novel

Nine long, dark nights to go. 

Trump’s Daily Twitter Highlight: “We are now leading in many polls, and many of these were taken before the criminal investigation announcement on Friday – great in states! Hillary and the Dems loved and praised FBI Director Comey just a few days ago. Original evidence was overwhelming, should not have delayed! Wow, Twitter, Google and Facebook are burying the FBI criminal investigation of Clinton. Very dishonest media!”

Clinton’s Daily Twitter Highlight: “With Donald, it’s always Donald Trump first and everyone else last.

Daily election article of interest: 2016: THE NOVEL

A point I’ve belabored at times in these election blogs is the thought that the 2016 campaign may well be the great American novel.

The novelist Thomas Mallon doesn’t go as far as that, but his essay in The New Yorker of how we could go about novelizing this election is fascinating:

If I were compelled to produce a book of fiction about the 2016 election, Hillary would be my full-throated choice for its principal point-of-view character. I’m with her, because I feel right at home in the dank gymnasium of her mind, where she is forever teaming up and exercising and rearranging the different parts of her personality, benching whichever ones have no usefulness to the present moment, the latest disaster or crisis, and telling all the others to suit up. If Nixon was shredded and poisoned by each of his pre-Presidential defeats, Hillary died a little with each of Bill’s victories, one after another, in Arkansas and beyond, all of them forcing her to stand at a spot on the stage that she knew she should not be occupying. Her life was supposed to take place behind the lectern, not beside it, hoisting the hand of the man who’d just got the votes …

Would I not be obligated to enter the—what should I call it—consciousness of Donald J. Trump? The answer is no, and I can honestly maintain that I’m asserting not a point of personal preference here but a literary imperative. Trump lacks even the two-dimensionality required in a sociopath; the emotional range is as impoverished as the vocabulary. Trump simply advances, like the Andromeda strain, a case of arrested development that is somehow also metastatic. Even “the Donald” sounds more like an analogue than like a person.

Naturally with a piece like this there is a lot to agree and disagree on. While I would agree with Mallon that Trump would not make for a rounded, three-dimensional character, I also think that’s precisely what’s fun about him and his very real strength as an American grotesque.

So Mallon’s statement that Trump’s vocabulary is “impoverished” is one that ignores the rich, comic cadence of Trump. Sure, if you want a novel that aspires to be irreproachable and in the best possible taste, you center it on Clinton. But Trump is the interesting American archetype, and the GOP race with all that cast of characters is where a wonderful flabby mess of a novel could be found – and the great American novels are almost always without fail funny and flabby.

Look at some of the candidates, Catch 22, Lolita, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Moby Dick, they are all funny reads – anyone who would try and tell you Moby Dick isn’t bursting with humor has clearly never read it, and so the problem I have with Mallon’s proposed election novel is where is the humor to be found in Clinton? I fear Mallon would end up with a novel of well-intended dullness.

Trump, however, well there’s a man who clearly could be one of literature’s great comic creations, an American Švejk if you will, or, perhaps even better, a Donald Quixote, who, unlike his antecedent, doesn’t delude just himself about his incredible abilities but also convinces 47% of the electorate to share in those delusions.

13 long, dark nights for America: He appears not to read

Thirteen long, dark nights to go. 

Trump’s Daily Twitter Highlight: “Hillary said she was under sniper fire (while surrounded by USSS.) Turned out to be a total lie. She is not fit to lead our country.”

Clinton’s Daily Twitter Highlight: “It’s Hillary’s birthday! Don’t forget to sign her card:

Daily election article of interest: Against Donald Trump

Hillary’s twitter feed today was mostly an ill-advised exercise in self-congratulation over her birthday, but however cringe-y that was, it had nothing on the VERY SPECIAL OFFER!!! ACT NOW! LIMITED AVAILABILITY that Donald had for his supporters – the opportunity to have your name on a wall in Trump Tower. He is seemingly seeking to be the country’s informercial-host-in-chief. Has anyone said if Trump TV is intended to be cable news or did we just all assume that? Perhaps it’s actually going to be Trump’s answer to QVC.

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For only the third time in their over 150 year publication history The Atlantic has endorsed a candidate (see link above). The previous occasions were for Abraham Lincoln  and Lyndon B. Johnson. The endorsement isn’t so much for the suitability of Clinton as the disturbing unsuitability of Trump as President.

As the magazine writes,  “If Hillary Clinton were facing Mitt Romney, or John McCain, or George W. Bush, or, for that matter, any of the leading candidates Trump vanquished in the Republican primaries, we would not have contemplated making this endorsement.”

But this is I what I found to be the most damning, “he is appallingly sexist; he is erratic, secretive, and xenophobic; he expresses admiration for authoritarian rulers, and evinces authoritarian tendencies himself. He is easily goaded, a poor quality for someone seeking control of America’s nuclear arsenal. He is an enemy of fact-based discourse; he is ignorant of, and indifferent to, the Constitution; he appears not to read.”

He appears not to read.

I don’t think you can make a more disparaging assessment of someone than that.

21 long, dark nights for America: Drain the swamp

Twenty-one long, dark nights to go. 

Trump’s Daily Twitter Highlight: “I will Make Our Government Honest Again — believe me. But first, I’m going to have to in DC. If we let Crooked run the govt, history will remember 2017 as the year America lost its independence.  Hillary is the most corrupt person to ever run for the presidency of the United States.

Clinton’s Daily Twitter Highlight: “Carter. Bush. Clinton. Bush. Obama. Not one of them believes Donald Trump has what it takes to be president.

Daily election article of interest: Citizen Pain 

A hit single is like lightening in a bottle; it’s tough even for the true greats to try and replicate. Consider, for instance, poor Whigfield; she never could top “Saturday Night”. And so it is with Trump, his Lock Her Up chant and hashtag is in a way his Macarena – an infectious hit that most intelligent people really wouldn’t want to be caught chanting in public. Well today Trump debuted his disappointing follow up effort – #DrainTheSwamp.

I don’t know if his campaign team had been carefully focus grouping the phrase over the past few weeks to see what most resonated or if it just came to Trump in a 4am brain fart, but on the basis of his multiple tweets he is certainly trying to seed it to the wider public. But that’s the tricky thing in trying to make something go “viral” – it takes more than just repeatedly coughing in people’s faces.

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Another unwelcome release today was Michael Moore’s announcement that he is releasing a surprise film about Trump. It’s one thing when Beyonce drops an unannounced album, not so much when Michael Moore does it with a movie …