The Clueless Immigrant Papers

CLUELESS IMMIGRANT HAILS from a dank and wind-swept island on the north Atlantic. For reasons that forever confuse ol’ Clueless, he no longer finds himself in the comforting bosom of Mother Albion, but in the wild terrain of upstart colonials that seem to hold too high an opinion of themselves. Some have suggested that Clueless has been sent to the New World on an important fact-finding mission for Her Majesty’s Government to learn what he can about corn-syrup, written constitutions and Al Roker; others have suggested that Clueless is the tired and unfunny personification of a certain expat blogger’s fascination with those parts of his adopted homeland that he finds difficulty navigating. Whatever his true identity, Clueless’s musings (aka: “Mildly diverting things a clueless immigrant learnt this week) have been collected here for your perusal and / or mockery.

Feb 6 2011 – Clueless Immigrant’s survival guide to the Super Bowl
Clueless opines on the Super Bowl and how best to make a trip the very American experience of a Super Bowl party interesting for baffled foreigners.

Feb 5 2011 – Clueless Immigrant in an exciting adventure with mildly diverting things he learnt this week
Clueless opines on American politeness making him feel very English and awkward and on the utterly infantile ridiculousness of Groundhog Day.

Jan 21 2011 –The recuperation of Clueless Immigrant
Clueless opines on pick-up trucks,the popularity of “Euro” style bumper stickers, and concord grapes.

Jan 14 2011 – An extremely belated post-mortem on Clueless Immigrant’sChristmas in America
Clueless opines the social minefield of saying Merry Christmas to someone in the US, US customs ruining Christmas, ugly Christmas sweaters, Salvation Army bell-ringers, putting popcorn on the Christmas tree, and Chex-mix.

Dec 4 2010 – Mildly (possibly) diverting (possibly not) things Clueless Immigrant (most definitely) learnt (or learned) this week (or fairly recently anyway)
Clueless opines on the very dangers of drinking Four Loko, American television butchering David Attenborough, and peculiar cravings of a taste of home.

Nov 19 2010 A right royal affair with Clueless Immigrant and some mildly diverting things he learnt this week
Clueless opines on how despite the best efforts of the locals he’s not engaging with the Royal engagement, how a pasty means something else here, and heaven is real according to a major US news channel.

Nov 12 2010 – This joke isn’t funny anymore: aka mildly diverting things a clueless immigrant learnt this week
Clueless opines Sons of Anarchy bumper stickers (and their ubiquity in Clueless’s part of Northern California), TV advertising, and annoying locals who think it’s okay to copy Clueless’s accent.

Nov 5 2010 – And on the seventh day there was mildly diverting things a clueless immigrant learnt this week
Clueless opines on Black Friday, showing non-sports TV in a sports bar, and the leave a penny, take a penny hono(u)r system.

Nov 2 2010 – Mildly irritating things a clueless immigrant pondered about the World Series
Clueless opines on sports franchise versus a perhaps misplaced sense of community, on trophies being first handed to club owners and not the players, and on the cruel manner that elderly baseball managers are being forced to wear their club uniform when they probably just want to a nice suit.

Oct 29 2010 – Mildly diverting things a clueless immigrant learnt this week that’ll be forgotten in the morning
Clueless opines that spice drops actually taste spicy, fight songs sound really unthreatening, and on fancy dress versus costume party.

Oct 22 2010 Mildly diverting things a clueless immigrant learnt this week: the unexpurgated edition
Clueless opines on garbage disposals, the TJ Maxx versus TK Maxx mystery, and wankers.

Oct 16 2010 – Mildly diverting things a clueless immigrant learnt this week rides again
Clueless opines on solicitors, gang colours, and Kool-Aid.

Oct 8 2010 – Mildly diverting things a clueless immigrant learnt this week: “the one where Ross does something contrived with sporadically amusing consequences.”
Clueless opines on “viewer discretion is advised”, girl scout cookies, and almond joy.

Oct 1 2010 – A rush and a push and mildly diverting things a clueless immigrant learnt this week is ours
Clueless opines on the UK and US usages of quite, homely, and reckon.

Sept 24 2010 – Right browned off with mildly diverting things a clueless immigrant learnt this week
Clueless opines on British food stores, A1 sauce versus HP sauce, and Ferro Rocher.

Sept 17 2010 – A fight and a kebab by the taxi stand on a Saturday night with mildly diverting things a clueless immigrant learnt this week
Clueless opines on pumpkin ale, the evil of Bud Light and clamato juice, and the term “double-fisting”.

Sept 10 2010 – The decline and fall of mildly diverting things a clueless immigrant learnt this week
Clueless opines on softball, bagging his own groceries, and the sudden and sad realisation that nobody knows what he’s on about when he references the Clangers.

Sept 3 2010 – The answer, my friend, is mildly diverting things a clueless immigrant learnt this week
Clueless opines on farenheit, the word “burglarize”, and why “take me out to the ball game” is redundant as a song.

August 27 2010 – In pursuit of life, liberty, happiness and mildly diverting things a clueless immigrant learnt this week
Clueless opines on how his drunken behaviour is different in the US, that America misses out on the word punnet, and the difficulty of ordering eggs.

August 20 2010 – Three courses of mildly diverting things a clueless immigrant learnt this week
Clueless opines on California’s rather odd obsession with the avocado, the lack of lamb, and Kraft’s Old English cheese spread (which nobody, including Kraft, seem to have a clue as to why it’s called “Old English”)

August 13 2010 – Mildly diverting things a clueless immigrant learnt this week: the stage play
Clueless opines on inappropriately cheering the entrance of a famous performer in the middle of a dramatic scene, standing ovations, and the odd faux British accents American actors feel the need to put on when performing Shakespeare.

August 6 2010 – A funny thing happened on the way to mildly diverting things a clueless immigrant learnt this week
Clueless opines on accents, patriotism, and bumper stickers.

July 30 2010 – Mildly diverting things a clueless immigrant learnt this week V: the final frontier
Clueless opines on calling a one cent piece a “penny”, the five-second rule, and hoe-downs.

July 23 2010 – Mildly diverting things a clueless immigrant learnt this week IV: the quest for peace
Clueless opines on the pronunciation of the word “niche”, that his supermarket trolley has a super-sized cup holder, and the odd places people chose to hold public protests.

July 16 2010 – Further mildly diverting things a clueless immigrant learnt this week
Clueless opines on roundabouts, the unavailability of Kellog’s crunchy nut cornflakes, not understanding the point about Larry King.

July 9 2010 – More mildly diverting things a clueless immigrant learnt this week
Clueless opines on black widow spiders, the difficulty he has in buying a mars bar, restless leg syndrome.

July 2 2010 – Mildly diverting things a clueless immigrant learnt this week
Clueless opines on Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, tic-tac-toe, and the Today Show.