Reflections: Communication Problems
“And your name is?” asks the Starbucks barista, a black marker pen in hand.
It is the simplest question you could ask someone, and despite knowing that it has been coming, it is one that I have learned to dread and that I am unable to answer crisply. I can’t help it, I’m not sure if it is a subconscious affectation, but I - and I always do this - hum and haw my response.
“Err… Anthony.”
“Sorry?”
“Erm… it’s Anthony.”
“Okay,” says the perplexed-looking barista and scrawls down onto the paper cup what she thinks might be my name. That I pronounce my name Ann-Thon-Knee rather than the more standard American pronunciation of Ann-Toe-Knee complicates matters further, but it is that momentary hesitation – that damn “err” and “erm” - that I am unable to mute. When friends from the UK visit I hear in some of them that same faltering indecision repeated in their voice as in mine – I end up loving them for it.
“Grande latte for Anty,” shouts the barista. In Starbucks I answer to Anthony, Anty, Andrew, Aaron, Timothy, Alex, Jeremy. Perhaps some sort of name badge is in order?
Top 10 Worst Attempts at a British Accent
As there is a certain movie-related shin-dig happening over the weekend, I thought I’d put up a movie-related post. As the consensus seems to be the Streep’s Thatcher impression in The Iron Lady is a success and the betting odds on her picking up an Oscar tomorrow are a staggering 13/8, I thought it’d be a good time to look at those whose British accents were a little less successful:
10. Nicolas Cage in National Treasure: Book of Secrets (2007)
Almost certainly unfair to include as while it is hideously bad, I think it was intended to be hideously bad, and boy did Nicolas Cage succeed in that respect. Included, more than anything, because I think all top ten lists of this nature (which let’s face it are always something of a creatively bankrupt idea) could be improved with some Cage-branded craziness — he’s like a crack addict’s impersonation of Jimmy Stewart.
9. Josh Hartnett in Blow Dry (2001)
In the (rightly) forgotten hairdresser comedy Blow Dry, the (rightly) forgotten all-American heart throb Josh Hartnett struggles to convince with his Irish accent. Unfortunately, he’s meant to be doing a Yorkshire accent.
8. John Lithgow in Cliffhanger (1993)
John Lithgow is an actor who can effortlessly perform comedy or drama. Occassionally, however, he seems happy to serve up the audience a big slice of honey roast ham. Cliffhanger is definitely one of his more porcine performances. Warning: clip is not suitable for work — though arguably none of them are.
7. Bette Davis in Of Human Bondage (1934)
Some people would have you believe this is one of the great dramatic scenes of cinematic history showcasing the titantic talent of Bette Davis. Others counter that it’s am-dram caterwauling delivered in the world’s least convincing cockney accent. Both groups are right.
6. Don Cheadle in Ocean’s 11 (2001)
Actually, forget Bette, Hollywood’s worst cockney accent belongs to Don Cheadle. It’s so bad I’m only prepared to link to a clip of Don dubbed in German. Trust me, I’m just being humane here.
5. Harrison Ford in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)
Like the Nicolas Cage entry possibly an unfair inclusion as accuracy was hardly the point, but as Harrison Ford acted this within earshot of Sean Connery it seems Ford is deserving of either opprobrium or massive props.
4. Lindsay Lohan in The Parent Trap (1998)
That’s right, I’m dickish enough to include a child actor on this list. <Fill in your own Lindsay Lohan joke here>
3. Keanu Reeves in Dracula (1992)
Considering the difficulty Keanu Reeves often seems to have in portraying a functioning, coordinated human being, it was probably a bit too much of a stretch to ask him to do anything as nuanced as acting a different nationality.
2. Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins (1964)
As Mary Poppins is clearly a fantastical movie Dick Van Dyke really didn’t need to try an accent, and certainly when it was clear that he couldn’t for the life of him perform one, someone higher-up in the production should have taken him to one side and suggested he drop it. It has never struck me as odd that in the same movie Ed Wynn performs Uncle Albert in his normal American accent, and I don’t think anyone would have thought different had Van Dyke had just played it without the mangled cockney. If I’m going to accept a world where nannys float around on the jet stream, I think I can deal with a chimney sweep who sounds more California than Clapham. As it is, it’s voice acting as verfremdungseffekt. In fairness to Dick Van Dyke he learned his lesson and didn’t repeat the mistake in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, and despite the accent in Mary Poppins it is still an extremely charming performance.
1. Russell Crowe in Robin Hood (2010)
Unquestioningly, Russell Crowe‘s accent in Robin Hood was a triumph. What sort of dick would suggest otherwise?
An earlier version of this post appeared here
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Pancakes: A US – UK Deathmatch
Depending upon your point of view, yesterday was Shrove Tuesday or it was Mardi Gras. So are they the same thing and am I just making minor quibbles over the difference? No, I don’t think so.
If, for you, yesterday was Mardi Gras, then perhaps you found yourself on Bourbon Street having a wonderful time chundering and dancing the night away, or perhaps, more prosaically, Mardi Gras involved someone in the office handing you some plastic beads in a token gesture. If, however, for you, yesterday was Shrove Tuesday, then your thoughts were probably on higher things – such as cooking pancakes.*
You see, Shrove Tuesday is also Pancake Day, and as I heated up the frying pan to make myself some pancakes I wondered whether I should make myself British** or American-style pancakes, but which is better? People, I think we just might have ourselves a US – UK Deathmatch.
Round 1. APPEARANCE.
UK Pancakes: With its thin, palid appearance it might be best to think of the British pancake as the honest, unfussy cousin to the stuck-up crepe.
Unlike the crepe, however, which has forever been tarnished in the English-speaking world by its close assocation with hipsterdom, the UK pancake is a hipster-free product that you will not find being made on street corners in gentrified areas of Brooklyn or the Bay Area. Also, unlike the crepe which requires you
Just say "non!"
loose all dignity and sense of perspective by using a crepe spreader of all things, the honest, unfussy UK pancake just requires you to shove the batter in a frying pan and, with a flick of the wrist, flip the pancake over.
The British pancake can be folded so it looks pretty on the plate – in an honest, unfussy way, of course.
US Pancakes: An American classic – the Ford F-Series of the pancake world.
Though it has a much smaller span, the American pancake makes up for it by being thicker and less limp than its British counterpart. The pallid white of the British pancake is replaced with an attractive golden brown. Also, while the British pancake works well in isolation, the American pancake is designed to be part of a larger collective unit. To get the full iconic visuals, three pancakes at least (preferably eight though) are required to be piled on top of each other. They are then drowned in something diabetic-inducing (syrup) and served with a side of myocardial infarcation (bacon).
The American pancake cannot be folded.
Result: The ability to fold the pancake almost sees the British pancake win this round (I place a lot of emphasis on foldability), but it’s hard to overlook the iconic imagery of plate of US pancakes – it’s America on a plate.
US Pancake Wins.
Round 2. RECIPE
UK Pancake: 4 oz plain flour, 7 fl oz of milk, 3 fl oz of water, 2 eggs, and a pinch of salt.
US Pancake: A packet of bisquick, 2 eggs, and a cup of milk.
Result: Betty Crocker has made you lazy America. She’s just adding random shit to flour. This one goes to the UK.
UK Pancake Wins.
Round 3. TASTE
UK Pancake: Light and not at all heavy, although considering the purpose of Shrove Tuesday is to go on one last indulgent blow-out before forty days of Lenten misery, you think they could have come up with something a little more decadent. As is clear from the basic recipe, this is not a sweet pancake.
US Pancake: Fluffier and more cake-y than the UK pancake. Also very sweet in comparision. I think many cooks put a dash of maple syrup and dextrose is an ingredient in bisquick – thank you corn lobby.
Result: Though that sweetness is often too much for me, the fluffiness of the pancake puts the US pancake over the edge on this one.
US Pancake Wins.
Round 4. CONDIMENTS
UK Pancake: As you may have guessed from the recipe and taste sections, the British pancake needs some sweetness added to it. Adding some caster sugar and lemon juice is a popular choice. My preferred option is to open a tin of Tate & Lyle Golden Syrup. That’s right, it doesn’t come in a bottle, it comes in a tin – like lead paint from China. This is a syrup so hardcore it has the image of a dead lion on it,*** well that’s what I drizzle on my pancake. Sure, you could put some Nutella on there and pretend it is a crepe, or alternatively you could just go to hell.
US Pancake: So the preferred choices are tree sap branded around a minstrel character called Jemima or tree sap that can be poured straight from a bottle in the shape of an octagenrian called Mrs Butterworth’s. It was bad enough as a child thinking syrup comes from lion corpses, thinking it comes from the heads of elderly women is a whole other level of disturbed. No wonder therapists do so well in the States.
As for the condiments themselves, it would be fine if they left it at just the syrup, but they then add butter, sometimes even whipped cream, eggs, meat, or fruit. It’s like a disruptive child was left unsupervised in the kitchen – a disruptive, disturbed child who thinks if he poleaxes ol’ Mrs Butterworth across the street he’ll be able to bottle her sugary goodness.
Result: Dead lion full of sticky goodness wins out over elderly woman and the use of a minstrel character.
UK Pancake wins.
Round 5. CULTURE
UK Pancake: A pancake culture in the UK? For one day it’s king, but the rest of the year it’s very much forgotten.
US Pancakes: The Americans absolutely adore their pancakes. Eaten all year. They even have an international house of pancakes – I think it’s a museum.
Result: The American pancake has a role in the fabric of that sociey that the British pancake doesn’t in the UK. It’s so engrained that the American pancake is third in line of succession for the Presidency after the Speaker of the House.
US Pancake wins.
OVERALL WINNER: THE US PANCAKE.
They just wanted it more. After all, they eat the buggers all the time.
*Or alternatively you might be enjoying some cock fighting if you like to go C18th-retro with your Shrove Tuesday. Here’s a great post on Shrove Tuesday in Shakespeare’s time if you’re interested.
**Yes, I am aware that they are is such a thing as Scottish pancakes and that they are more like the American-style pancake.
***Other than watching Blue Peter presenters demonstrate how to flip a pancake, my chidhood memories of Shrove Tuesday are of looking intently at a tin of Tate & Lyle Golden Syrup while my Mum painstakingly made pancakes, always to my disappointment refusing to flip them. As I waited I would be entranced at the picture of a dead lion, flies (well bees, but they looked like flies to me0 buzzing around its corpse, that Tate & Lyle had chosen as their company logo. ”Out of the strong came forth the sweetness,” was written beneath the lion. I don’t remember if it was my Mum who told me about the story of Samon and the Lion that the image was referencing or if Tate & Lyle explained it, but that only confused matters. We get syrup from dead lions? If milk comes from cows and honey from bees, I was more than prepared to accept this latest revelation.
Nowadays I find myself raising an eyebrow at American firms such as Chick-fil-A or In-n-Out Burger with some of their surreptious use of religion, but they have nothing on this.
Is this my future?: Andrew Sullivan’s terrible, terrible English impression
We all know that everyone’s favourite bear Andrew Sullivan has an awful, trans-Atlantic voice – that’s just an established fact. What we perhaps didn’t know is that Sullivan can no longer do a convincing impression of an English accent. If you skip to the 2 minute mark in the above video (which is always worth watching in of itself if you’re at all interested in ebooks) you can see Sullivan’s rather disastrous attempt at doing a fairly generic London accent. An Englishman without even the ability to fake an English accent. Such a sad thing – like a donkey without a tail, a sail without the wind, a sundial without a shadow.
“Back after these messages” – What an American audience may have learned about the British from this year’s Super Bowl commercials.
At the table next to mine at brunch sat a quartet of elderly women sipping Bellinis through collagen lips and gossiping with each other. Naturally, I eavesdropped.
I’m glad I did because I was able to learn something about myself. For instance, I learned from these women that I, being British, like my eggs plain – as God intended. We certainly don’t want fancy, frenchified stuff going on with our eggs. One of the women had been able to ascertain this fact from watching the opening scene of The Iron Lady where Streep-Thatcher is spooning up the yolky contents of a soft-boiled egg with relish. If only Streep-Thatcher had shared her love of plain eggs* with the striking miners – perhaps some common ground could have been struck.
The other observation that I learned about the British from these women (who also had very kind things to say about Princess Margaret’s fashion sense) was that we like to keep dogs. Not just one or two, but lots and lots of them – each British household resembling a puppy mill. The root of this observation being that the Queen has a lot of corgis.
Later that day when watching some of Super Bowl commercials it struck me that some Americans may come to some interesting conclusions about the British based on the ads.
What we learned about the British from this year’s Super Bow ads:
From the Pepsi ad – that we make for flamboyantly, camp royalty.
From the H&M ad – that we are tattooed narcissists.
From the Skechers ad – That the middle-classes really, really love dog racing.
*Thatcher did (and still does I imagine) have a particular fondness for eggs, but I think that says more about her than it does the other 60 million of us. I also imagine Thatcher’s fondnesss for eggs as an illicit and unholy urge like Mrs Censordoll from Moral Orel (almost certainly too obscure a reference).
