A right royal affair with Clueless Immigrant and some mildly diverting things he learnt this week
by awindram
Clueless Immigrant
- [tweetmeme source=”awindram” only_single=false] Not engaging with the engagement:
On Tuesday morning, Clueless Immigrant was to be found chomping down on a Queen Anne cordial cherry, but his own mood was not in the least bit cordial. The root of Clueless’s snippiness could be found on the BBC webpage that Clueless had just clicked on: “Royal wedding: Prince William to marry Kate Middleton.”
Oh, bugger, thought Clueless, for he knew that this news could only end badly for him. Clueless envisaged that the next nine months, or however long it was until this wedding, would be slow slog of tedious small talk with people constantly bringing up this very topic in the mistaken assumption that Clueless gives a flying damn. He doesn’t. He really, really doesn’t.
Barely three days later and Clueless’s polite facade is already beginning to crack. His prophecy has come true and he has to endure countless, tedious conversations on this matter. Clueless fears if things continue like this he might end up going all Michael Douglas in Falling Down on people. Clueless pleads that if anyone out there really does wish to engage with him on a topic concerning his nationality then they should go and bone up on cricket as he would be more than happy to talk with anyone about the upcoming Ashes series – just don’t mention the wedding. - “I didn’t say what you thought I just said.” :
Clueless Immigrant has an appetite; to feel life like Clueless Immigrant feels it, one should imagine what it is like to live in a constant state of peckishness, to have a neverending need to nibble. And so in many respects the hearty (or should that be heart-attacky?) servings and array of food available in the USA leave Clueless sated and content, but sometimes Clueless ends up with a comfort food craving that his adopted homeland just can’t fill. Clueless was having one of these cravings this week as he found himself wanting a Cornish pasty, and unless he happened to be in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan (where pasties are popular) he was unlikely to find one this side of the Atlantic. Oh, the thought of biting into all of that baked, flaky pastry shells and that first bite of beef and vegetables. It was enough to make Clueless’s mouth water; in fact, his mouth did begin to water. A young woman who happened to be near to Clueless turned and asked if he okay.
“I’m fine,” said Clueless, his mouth drooling, “I was just thinking about a pasty”
The woman looked disgusted with Clueless. “Pervert,” she said.
“No, I didn’t mean that type of pasty,” shouted Clueless as the young woman hurried away from him in a panic. - We learn that heaven is real:
Usually Clueless Immigrant only learns silly, useless shit each week like courgettes are called zucchinis in the US, but this week he learned a biggie – heaven is real. Yes, you read that right. Heaven is real – it was on Fox and Friends and everything so it has to be true. Clueless really doesn’t understand why the New York Times isn’t running with this story. I mean, really, how can the main-stream media miss a story as big as this? You really dropped the ball on this one, fellahs!
Clueless really doesn’t understand people wanting to talk to him about some royal rugger bugger’s wedding when the greatest news story of all time has just broken. Clueless wants to send his congratulations to Gretchen Carlson for this wonderful, history-changing scoop – the Pulitzer surely awaits, Gretchen!
[Heaven is Real via Videogum]
Culturally Discombobulated 
Excellent as always Clueless. Tell me though…do you also moonlight on The Caledonian Mecury? If not, then I think I just found your soul brother – http://caledonianmercury.com/2010/11/16/couple-who-met-at-university-to-marry/0011924 – and, appropriately enough, he’s called James Brown(e)…
Unfortunately not, but I am available and cheap if they want an American-based Sassenach.
Live and learn – ‘pasties’ do that do they?
Personally, I would have drooling fantasies over steak and kidney pie. In extremis, have you considered making pastry-based comestibles? A bit of pre-made frozen pastry makes the process surprisingly easy.
Yeah, I’ve made the occassional meat pie. More so when I had to deal with east coast winters. Haven’t felt quite as compelled in CA yet, though that may change in the coming weeks.
Good luck fending off the royal wedding thing – when Diana died, my personal favourite was the call I made to our legal department in the USA and at the end of the conversation this American woman said, oh, and I’m so sorry to hear you lost your princess… Without particularly thinking, I said yes, we’re always misplacing her, I’m sure she’ll turn up soon… Maybe in the next Heaven Exists video? Personally, I’m missing bangers in a big way, but I’m told the brit expat ghetto in Foz (in Oporto) may have a deli where I can find them. If they have pasties too, I’ll let you know.
I’ve already had to have three conversations about the royal wedding, and the tedium of these is exacerbated by my compulsion to try to cut them short by saying: ‘Well, I’m a republican’. This ends badly as I have to then carefully explain that I mean republican in the British sense of abandoning the monarchy rather than the American sense of abandoning government and taxation. And if I have to hear how the wedding is going to boost the British economy one more time… well, see you in the reenactment of Falling Down.
Courgettes are zucchinis in Australia too…and aubergines are eggplants and mange tout are snow peas…just in case you were wondering.